Improv Stories I
Michael regains consciousness only to realize he is still at CVS with
“This is a dream
come true, I’ve dreamed this before.”
“I don’t think they have my color” Janie said wistfully.
Michael followed his previous dreams to the letter, maybe this time he wouldn’t have to fight homeless zombies using self help books. Janie begins to leave and Michael eagerly follows.
“Is this it? I never found out what happens when I leave the CVS!”
As they exit Michael pleads “Slap me I must be dreaming!”.
Michael does not wake up, he remains awake and slapped.
A nondescript man sneaks into the “gogurt-geiser”, the place for all dani-manufacturing. He slides a discrete splooge-bomb into the factory core reactor, then slides out like a well made gogurt.
“Oh god, oh jeez… Gogurts have gone bankrupt from a huge ‘gurt splooge spill?” Dr. Glockenload had paced through his lab twice over.
“Surely mother nature will pay, I must undo this horrible disaster!”
Dr. Glockenload constructs a tiny time machine that can only travel through a tiny amount of time. It’ll be enough, it has to be. Squeezing himself inside like a gogurt in reverse, he travels to the gogurt factory fifteen minutes before the spill.
“I’m Brilliant!” Dr. Glockenload is feeling well.
After sneaking through most of the complex he finds the bomb. Immediately attempting to disarm it, Dr. Glockenload finds a note contained within. It reads: “Contained is the motivation for a brilliant invention”. Dr. Glockenload opens a gogurt he knows will be his last,
“what is the price we must pay for science?” he whispers.
“Here we are folks, at the annual top cutie competition, and man have we got some bangin’ competition. First up is Michael Eden!”
Michael Eden walks onto stage pretty normally, to uproarious applause. Extreme catcalling can be heard from right in front of him, where his girlfriend stands possessively. She is blocking him from the sight of most, if not all women in the audience.
“This just in, a space bear that feeds off solar energy and can travel through space has been discovered. Upon landing on Earth the bear had this to say—”
“Sorry Wolf I’m gonna have to stop you right there we have breaking news. Get this, a space hole has appeared in central florida, marking the first time any hole has reached outer space. Florida is known for its holes and—”
“Sorry Anderson, but a cat of news has just now been let out of its bag. Moneybags and Amazon founder Jeff Bezos said in a statement today that after a lot of frustration he will create the first good 24 hour news channel.”
“Sorry Don, we’ll have to leave it there. If you’re just joining us there has been a lot of news that you missed. After the break: we get a lineup of labrador retrievers and ask everyday people ‘can you tell which one is evil?’.”
Janie’s hands followed the trail of hair leading to Michael’s erection. She grabs it in her hands, only to realize that it’s the kind of cock that bursts into confetti. The rest of Michael’s body follows suit. Sitting in a heap of colourful paper shreds, Janie begins to paper mache herself a new boyfriend.
He will be stickier this time, and unable to burst into confetti.
“Get gud or get rekt,” Michael whispers, cradling Janie’s unconscious form with his super hot biceps and other arm stuff. He had just moved his knight to B7, taking out all of her castles, bishops, and her queen with the one splendid move. He very near took her life. Her eyes fluttered open. Michael considers making the joke that he couldn’t tell that her eyes opened. [He very near took his own life.]
“Checkm8 atheists,” she mouthed.
With an incredible move, Janie puts the last pawn in place. An infinitude of pawns line diagonally to Michael’s king.
“Now that’s what I call pawn-ography.” She gives him a kiss and a slap on the ass.
“Not so fast, chum.” Michael kneels over the chessboard, king pieces sliding saliva-coated out of his mouth and onto the board. He wipes the spit off with a shirt sleeve:
“U’ve been playing checkers while i’ve been playing chess for years”